THE TWO SETS OF THREES
Consider that the figure, the triangle, represents our mind.
That the theory describing the function of our mind was developed by Sigmund Freud. He considered a person's awareness of thought as conscious, preconscious, and subconscious, and what affected their thought to be the ego, superego, and id.
In using Freud's idea of describing the mind, three of this or three of that, I like masculine, feminine, and child. The thought describes that as a person feels about themselves, they often feel about men, women, and children. A simple and easy idea to understand. You don't like other people? You probably don't like yourself either.
There was a moment in my life's experiences when this thinking was mine. I didn't like myself or anyone else. A failure had occurred. My learning wasn't working. Development became distorted. I was physically working, paying my bills, but I was unhappy. My awareness of self often existed without purpose or direction. There was excessive drinking, irrational behavior, and thoughts of suicide.
My thinking was in a development before my problem began. I was an engineer aboard ships. The complex thinking required of being successful in operating and repairing a vessels propulsion and auxiliary equipment, of being able to react with a subconsciousness, to think without thinking while in the process of correcting an emergency situation was becoming mine. My thinking then could be different, an interactive conscious, subconscious process of thinking. And it was here, that resolving my problem began.
When first going to the psychiatrist I was lost, and he was going to help me. He became the source of my help. I trusted him. An unfortunate dependency of thinking. To understand what I was, my thinking of being my own was only beginning.
My work being aboard ship meant that I would see him when home. So treatment or sessions would vary. After five years I was still having the same problems as when we started. My life was better. There were improvements. Yet there were still the same limits I couldn't resolve. Failures in my thinking, of completing college classes and of forming loving relationships.
I complained. The psychiatrist assured me the sessions would be successful. They weren't to me.
Then towards the end of a session and another unsuccessful compliant, I blurted out that as a child I had some same sex sexual experiences. The session was ending. He just said, ok.
After leaving his office I thought, why did I even bring that up? The experiences were nothing, childhood curiosity, playing around. Part of my learning and experimenting, of being involved. I began to realize that in bringing up the experience my subconscious was creating thinking. A trying to learn, what is the failure in the psychoanalysis?
Over the next few sessions he started bringing up topics like a lot of great men are homosexuals. Then, during a session, he tried to put the moves on me. I was furious. I walked out.
I don't think the psychiatrist ever understood the weakness, limit in my thinking. My need to learn. I had a weak sense of self, of me.
Among my involvements then were three lady friends. I called them love, beauty, and of the poem.
Most women to me are beautiful, and not just physically, but intellectually and emotionally as well. Yet regardless of my love for them, the weakness, failure in my thinking affected caring and commitment, of being involved in just one relationship. Part of seeing the psychiatrist was understanding this failure.
I started writing a thought process, an interaction of thinking and learning between the conscious and subconscious, a development of ideas existing within my mind that created the thinking needed for learning of the self. The effort was new. I worked at it.
I was pleased. I felt somehow this was the beginning of what I needed to know. A problem with my writing though, was the hate I felt for the psychiatrist. I had trusted him.
After leaving the psychoanalysis, I was unhappy with everything, except as I started writing. The source of my help changed to me. During this, my lady friend of the poem, gave me a poem. In it she wrote. You are like a cat and seem to come alive at night. You hate because I cannot love the way you do or want me to.
I should have realized she was only looking for attention. But as I said before, there was a weakness in my thinking. I wrote, Hate? You want to see hate? The idea of our written thought, had for me one source, what I felt for the psychiatrist.
Hate became then, part of my creative thinking and writing, a development creating intensity and absurdity. A part of that was being correct. Whatever were my thoughts and actions, they were correct.
For example, I asked my lady friend of the poem out for dinner. She declined. She was having dinner with her Jewish friends instead of me. But I was the one that was important. I was correct. I began a dislike of her Jewish friends. My hatred of the psychiatrist also became then, a development of antisemitism.
A thinking began of previous experiences and emotional involvements, memories of the love for my Jewish friends. This began a conflict. The love for my friends challenged my hatred for the psychiatrist.
I needed to stop the development of hate. There was too much damage being created in my thinking. I didn't like what I had become. The hate wasn't me.
I began to realize, being involved in my writing developed the feelings of hate I felt towards the psychiatrist. And now, I wanted to kill him. Yet to kill him would be murder. I broke the windshield of my lady friend's car and left the writing. This included her poem.
The police kept the writing as evidence of a crime. The writing, creativity, and me were like one thought. Without my involvement, the thinking and creativity in the writing stopped, stopping the development of hate.
My committing the crime then, was of saving me. For example, after leaving the writing there was a calmness that began from within. My thinking was still confused, the damage from the experience of the hate. But the tension from the development and the conflicts was gone.
I had committed a crime to avoid committing a far greater crime.
My actions frightened my friend of the poem. She brought charges. My thinking, screwed up from the hate, meant that I couldn't explain my actions or defend myself at the trial. That she too was a part of the conflict of love and hate existing in my mind. The crime involved the law and kept us apart.
I was convicted of a misdemeanor at the 48th District Court of Birmingham, Michigan in June of 1975.
The relationships with my three lady friends ended. Each had thought, they were the only one. My interest was my writing. It, as with my thinking, was a mess. I started a new piece of writing to straighten out my thinking. My Dad supported me.
About a year later, the improvements from my efforts resolved many distorted issues of my thinking. I could function socially. I went back to sea. When returning home, my Dad broke out a notebook. In it was a listing of the money he had given me. I said check or cash.
Life then became good until 1982. I got hurt again in a relationship. My thinking became distorted again. There was no hate this time, only a confusion. I went to see another psychiatrist. There were only two sessions for the insight I needed. He said, stop trying to forget her. I was creating my own problem.
Subconsciously I was shutting down my thought process, the interaction of thinking, learning, and remembering that would normally, consciously exists between the conscious and subconscious. Learning resolved the source of my problem. My thinking then could become what I choose, my own.
In testing the idea I started dating women mainly involved with themselves, creating relationships I knew would fail. As this occurred, I experienced my reaction of shutting down my thinking.
I learned in my experiences then, that in my thinking and learning of self, I could become aware of and adjust my thoughts accordingly, for my development or idea of self to become as I choose.
We each have the freedom to choose individual development. We begin with a process of thinking, a choosing to initiate an idea of thinking, learning, and remembering between the conscious and subconscious, to create the thought needed for the idea to become a development of self. A process where a person becomes more than they thought they could become. A process where each person can think, learn, and become their own.
This effort of the development of self is represented by the triangle with the base expanding inwards towards the self, encompassing the thinking and learning, the developing consciousness of the self. Similarly, there is an outer consciousness represented by a second triangle, inverted, with the base expanding outward, encompassing the thinking and learning, developing consciousness of whatever is outside of the self. Thus we now have two triangles. One representing inner consciousness, and the other, outer consciousness.
With most people, the two triangles exist as one thought. Thus putting them together creates a figure representing individual consciousness. The development of their oneness of self, of being their own and free.
© Ernest G Jackson 2025 All Rights Reserved. | 1602 Words.
Copyright © Ernest G. Jackson 2025 All Rights reserved - All Rights Reserved.
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